That sorry son of a…that unfeeling, inconsiderate, unappreciative, insensitive…how could he? How could he?! I mourned him! I genuinely grieved for him. I felt his loss more than I probably would’ve if it had been Mark. I can’t remember the number of times I cried, sometimes until I literally had no tears left. I’ve spent months coming to terms with his absence, the resulting void in my life, the hole in my heart, the undeniable change among those of us who loved him, who he left behind. And just as I’m starting to get used to the reality of his loss, he redefines all the known laws of nature and comes back. He comes back.
I mean, after months of…of…being gone, he actually comes back. I’m standing there completely dumbfounded, and all I get in greeting is a perfunctory nod of the head and one syllable – "Sam" – before he’s babbling again about finding the Eye of Ra. One lousy little word, delivered as an afterthought. Is that all I am to him? An afterthought?!
Damn him!
This, of course, happens after I find out that both the Colonel and Teal’c have seen him in the months since his ascension – hell, the Colonel says he’s seen him twice now. They say he’s been keeping an eye on us all along. Great. Thanks a lot, Daniel. Nice of you to let me know.
Y’know what’s even worse? I’m the last to know. God, that burns me! I’m not just pissed off at him; I’m pissed off at all three of them! How could the Colonel not tell me? How could Teal’c not tell me? How could Daniel not even bother to let me know he was okay?
Dammit!
I’ve always known that I could never rival the Colonel for the role of Daniel’s Best Friend: I never tried to. And I know that Daniel and Teal’c had a complicated friendship, one built on mutual respect. One that grew over the years, one that thrived despite the obstacles that circumstance threw at it. The relationship Daniel and I had, though…on the surface, it was always one of those big sister/little brother things, but from the first time he called me "Captain Doctor," I knew – well, I thought – it was more than just that. When you depend on somebody that much, when you trust them with your life time and time again – could I have been that wrong?
He must have known. He had to know. If he really was keeping an eye on us as Teal’c and the Colonel say, then he must have seen how torn apart I was after we lost him. My God, how could he stand by and let me suffer like that? How could he not have indicated to me – somehow – that he was all right, that he was there?
I can’t decide if I’m more hurt or angry. I can’t decide who I’m angriest with. The Colonel and Teal’c both intimated that if they’d said anything earlier, we’d have thought they were nuts. After all we’ve been through in six years? Who do they think they’re kidding? Do they still think so little of me?
And, oh, let’s not even talk about that second appearance in the chamber. There we are, cornered and outnumbered by Anubis’ Jaffa, with no way out, and Daniel Almighty drops by to announce that he’s bargained us an escape. He starts to explain; the Colonel obviously doesn’t follow him. Then that…that son of a bitch implies that it’s my fault that the Colonel hasn’t been filled in!
Well sorry, Daniel: I’ve been a little busy trying to keep us alive. In case you hadn’t noticed, we’re fighting for our lives here. Hell, we wouldn’t be in this mess if it weren’t for you! And another thing: did you have to be so damned condescending with that "You didn’t tell him about the tablet either"? Excuse me, but some of us still have very corporeal forms to protect from staff weapons and zat fire. We don’t all have the luxury of popping in and out any time we like.
Y’know, this isn’t the Daniel Jackson we lost all those months ago. Our Daniel, regardless of the circumstances, would never have knowingly caused us to suffer. In fact, he would’ve done everything in his power to prevent our pain. If this is what ascension is all about – becoming emotionally detached from the people who care most about you – then no, thank you: I’ll happily go out guns-a-blazin’ and have my ashes spread over a mountaintop somewhere.
God, it still hurts. Daniel, how could you be so callous? How could you?!
I think what makes it worse now is that we know Abydos is gone. Yeah, the Abydonians have ascended, but the planet is gone. Even Daniel couldn’t keep Anubis from taking them out. And now we have no idea where he is. It’s as I said to the General during our debrief: I don’t think we can count on Daniel for anything now.
And here I sit alone, raging at the world, draining a bottle of wine.
Daniel, was I wrong about you? About the four of us? About everything?
Author's Notes: The second part of a trilogy (with "Abandoned" and "Advent") that relates how Sam deals with Daniel’s ascension, re-appearance, and return. Sam’s reactions during "Full Circle," both to Jack’s and Teal’c’s admissions that they’ve previously seen Daniel, and to Daniel’s perfunctory greeting to her, made me wonder what she thought subsequently. Seeing "Meridian" and "Revelations" after I saw "Full Circle," I realized there was a nice arc here to be chronicled regarding how Sam ran the gamut of emotions dealing with the loss of Daniel. "Fallen" and "Homecoming" simply tied the bow on the package. :)
© July 2003 The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.