***
The room was semi-dark, shadows moving and dancing hypnotically on the walls, ceiling, and floor. Only one occupant sat on the floor: eyes closed, breathing slowed, a look of calm contentment on his face, lips moved slowly mouthing a question. "What have I done?" Once said, the look on his face changed to one of shame and guilt. He opened his eyes lowering his head as tears slowly made their way down his face to drop into his lap leaving a small circular mark that slowly vanished
as each spot dried.
***
Jack O'Neill walked the hallway alone. When he reached the door to Teal'c's quarters he raised his hand to knock but his hand wouldn't comply. He slowly lowered it to his side and stared at the door. He felt a need to talk to the man he knew was inside, but a part of him shied away fearful of what he might encounter. When a hand reached up and touched his shoulder, he jumped and turned quickly. Placing the palm of his right hand on his chest he hissed, "Daniel. When did you learn to walk so quietly?"
"Sorry Jack. I didn't mean to startle you. I saw you walking and thought you might like some company," Daniel explained.
Lowering his hand, he stuffed both into the pockets of his pants."Well, you know I ... uh ... thought I'd see how Teal'c was doing."
Daniel looked at the closed door to Teal'c's room. "I was thinking the same thing."
"I know Bra'tac said he was okay and Teal'c said he was okay, but ..."
"...but he's a man with deep feelings that he doesn't allow everyone to see all the time and he might just be in there, right now, having a difficult time reconciling what happened," finished Daniel.
"Uh yeah."
"And you don't know whether you should disturb him in case you're wrong," he added.
"Yeah," answered Jack dropping his gaze to look at his foot that was lazily drawing circles on the floor in front of him.
"Hey you two. I see we all had the same idea," announced Sam Carter as she and General Hammond walked up to join Jack and Daniel outside Teal'c's closed door.
Jack and Daniel looked at the two new arrivals and nodded their heads.
"Jack, are you alright?" asked Hammond seeing the despondent look on O'Neill's face.
"Yes, sir. I'm fine."
All four people stood there looking back and fourth at each other waiting for someone to make the first move.
"Do you think we should knock, or just stand here and hope he comes to the door sometime soon?" asked Hammond finally breaking the silence.
Daniel, who had crossed his arms in front of his chest, now raised one hand index finger pointing skyward. "Uhm maybe only one of us should do this. If we all, you know, try to go in there it might feel like we're ganging up on him."
"No. I disagree," said Jack. "If we're going to do this ... really make sure he's okay with what happened then we all need to be there. We all need to show him support and being the kind of guy he is, he's gonna want to reassure us all. Don'cha think?"
"Now that I'm here," said Hammond, "I'm wondering why."
"What do you mean, sir?" asked Carter.
"Well am I here to make sure Teal'c is alright or am I here to reassure myself?" explained Hammond. "Teal'c always has been a man of his word. One with deep convictions. Those convictions are what brought him back, but did they really? All we have is Bra'tac's word
that the ceremony worked. Bra'tac's and Teal'c's. If we take both those men at their word and take Teal'c's word that he is okay, then why are we here? It means that somewhere along the way, none of us believe one of those two things. I'd like to think that it's concern for Teal'c that has brought us here, but is it really concern for us instead?"
"It's probably a bit of both, isn't it? I mean we know Teal'c. We know that he doesn't often let us see what he's really thinking and feeling," said Carter. "He's opened up in that respect in the last year, but he's still an unread book in a lot of ways. I think all of us feel that right now, Teal'c hasn't let us in on how he's really handling this and we want to reassure him that we're here for him ...that we want to help. But I also think that in some way we're here for ourselves, too. We need to see him ... see that everything is okay or not okay and if it isn't, try to help."
"Sam's right," said Daniel. "I don't think any of really think that Teal'c isn't Teal'c. I'm pretty sure that I believe Bra'tac and Teal'c in that respect. Actually I know I believe it. But I don't think Teal'c should be by himself right now no matter what he says. I think he needs us there not just for moral support, but because we're friends and that's what friends do."
"We need to show him that we still trust him," added Jack. "I know if the shoe were on the other foot I'd want that reassurance." He suddenly grinned at Daniel and Carter. "What am I saying? The shoe was on my foot when we caught Makepeace playing nice with Maybourne?"
Daniel and Carter grinned back. "That was actually kind of fun, you know. Playing around like that after we found out that you hadn't actually gone over to the other side."
"Yeah, yeah," said Jack. "Fun for you guys. You actually did such a good job making me feel guilty I began to wonder if you'd ever trust me again."
"Aw c'mon Jack. You knew we were playing all the time we were doing it," protested Daniel. Not getting a response from Jack he added hesitantly, "Didn't you? Because we were, you know."
Jack waited a beat watching Daniel's face before smiling. "Yeah I knew, but there were times ..."
"Regardless," interrupted Hammond, "do we or don't we go en masse to see Teal'c? Does he really need us? That's what we have to decide right now because if he doesn't, is this going to make him feel like we're testing him?"
"Sir, if I may," said Carter, "no matter what we do or how we approach it, or what our actual feelings are for doing this the first thing we're going to need to do is make sure that Teal'c understands why and what we're doing here."
"And we need to do it soon because we're getting looks from people passing by," added Jack watching an airman look quickly away from them as he walked past the hallway. "We definitely don't want to give the impression to anyone else that we're unsure of Teal'c and his loyalty."
"You're right," agreed Hammond. "I do trust Teal'c, I'm just not sure I trust myself right now."
"I don't think any of us trust ourselves right now," said Daniel. "I mean look at us. We're standing here debating this ... should we or shouldn't we ... do we have the right to ignore Teal'c saying that
he's okay and that he wants to be alone for awhile ... are we doing this for him or for us?"
"Okay," said Jack holding up his hands, "why don't we just say that we're here because Teal'c is our friend. We want him to know that no matter what, he is still our friend. We want him to know that we're here for him because he is our friend. We want him to know that we trust him and we want everyone else to see that we still trust him so that they can too. But more importantly right now, we want him to know that even though he says he doesn't need to be with us right now, we need to be with him."
"And I too need you, O'Neill ... all of you," said a quiet voice behind them.
All four turned startled faces towards the door to Teal'c's room which now stood open. Teal'c stood in the doorway his shoulders sagging, his eyes bright and moist.
"Teal'c ..." said Jack his voice caught in his throat when he saw his friend. "I ... uh we ... oh what the hell." He reached out and pulled the big man into a hug feeling tears threaten to well up in his own eyes. Stopping them as best he could, he patted Teal'c on the back of the neck before stepping back to look into a pair of haunted dark, brown eyes that met his.
"Why don't we go inside?" asked Hammond quietly breaking the silence that had descended upon them. "The hallway here is a little too impersonal for this. We can work on this in privacy for now. Later we can deal with what needs to be done in public."
Carter, Daniel, and Hammond all slid past Jack and Teal'c into his room. Jack finally smiled at Teal'c, reached out and took an arm steering him into the room. As soon as they were completely inside, Hammond quietly shut the door closing out the rest of the world so that the five people inside could re-establish the contact with each other that they all needed.
Thanks to Cokie for betaing this. If you ever need a beta reader, she's one in a million.
© July 9, 2001 The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.