***
Dear Mom,
I know this is a security breach, but Daniel has his journals which we found while we were packing up his apartment when we thought we had lost him. I know why he does it professionally, but a lot of the stuff he had written in them was personal. I asked him about it and his only answer was that sometimes he had to work things out and writing it down helped him to do that. He said there were just some things he felt he couldn't talk to people about so he talked to himself. I asked if it really helped and he said it did. Once he had it written down and could see it, it helped him look at the situation in a more clinical light. He said that usually after working it out on paper, he could bring himself to talk to Jack, or Teal'c, or me about it. He told me to try it sometime. I told him I wasn't a diary type of person. All he said was 'too bad'.
So why am I doing this? Well I have to start somewhere and I think I could do this if it was in the form of letter to you rather than a Dear Diary thing. So much has happened over the last four years that I couldn't even begin to write it all down, but this last week... Well to be honest, it was pretty damned rough and I honestly don't know whether to be disappointed at the people I work with, mad at them or understanding, and if I have to go back to the SGC and have one more person ask me how I'm doing I'm pretty sure I'll lose it and punch them in the face. So I'm going to try Daniel's little trick and see if I can't get everything in perspective before I have to report back to work on Monday.
I know and can really understand everyone's concern when I passed out on 636. If it had happened to Colonel O'Neill or Daniel, I'd probably be right out there with everyone telling them that they needed to take it easy and maybe they needed to focus on something other than our work at the SGC. I know that, but it still doesn't make it any easier to accept .. when it's me.
Wait a minute, someone's at the door ...
Well it was Colonel O'Neill. He said he didn't want to stick around because he knew I needed some time to myself but he wanted to bring me a couple of things. One was a telescope. He said it was just like his and if I wanted him to, he'd come over and build me a little place on the roof just like he has for stargazing. Who knows? I might take him up on it someday. The second thing was a picture. I can't believe it. Apparently Teal'c talked him into going to one of those mud wrestling things, only with Jello-O instead. Poor Daniel, he's never going to live this down. Especially if the Colonel does what he said he did and has the picture blown up into poster size to hang at the SGC.
So where was I? General Hammond sent a team over to my house when I got back to the SGC and hopefully they found all the little bugs that had been planted by Colonel Simmons. He's also going to let me work on the miniature Stargate that Orlin built in my basement. So things are pretty much back to normal with the people I work with except for the part about Orlin. No one quite knows what to say except 'How are you?' and 'I'm sorry it worked out that way.' I want to tell them that it worked out that way because I let it. If I had tried harder to make him come with me to the SGC and tell them about what happened on 636 and why, maybe General Hammond could have talked the President out of testing that machine. If I had tried harder, he might still be alive.
I keep asking myself why I didn't tell anyone the whole story and I keep wondering if some of it wasn't a form of self-preservation. Without Orlin to back me up, would the General have believed me if I'd told him every thing? Would anyone? Was it because I didn't think they would, that they'd really think I had gone over the edge that made me not do it? You see, Mom. It's the not knowing, the guilt that I was in some way responsible for Orlin's death that I need to work out.
I think I know what General Hammond and the rest of my team would say. They'd say it wasn't my fault. They'd say that even if Orlin had come forward, Simmons would still have talked the Pentagon and the President into testing the machine because it worked for the people of Valona at defending themselves against the Goa'uld. They'd say that there wouldn't have been anything that Orlin, I, or they could have done to change their minds.
I think I now realize the truth. The truth about the people in charge. Orlin was right. No matter how noble the cause, someone will always change it into something ugly. No matter how much we would have claimed to only use the weapon to defend ourselves against the Goa'uld, someone like Simmons or Maybourne, would try to use it against someone else. They are so power hungry that they would use it to hold someone like the Tollan or the Nox hostage in order to get their technology.
So Mom, would my coming forth with the information about Orlin and his race have changed the outcome? Or if I'd convinced Orlin to talk to General Hammond and warn him would that have helped? You want to know something? I don't really think so now. In fact I think that if I hadn't held back, or that if Orlin has come forward I probably wouldn't be sitting here writing this down. I, along with everyone else on Earth, would have been killed by Orlin's people because he wouldn't have had the chance to save us like he did. He wouldn't have had the chance to redeem himself in the eyes of his own people. He wouldn't have had the chance to show me that love can come when you least expect it.
Okay, maybe Daniel's idea about writing things down to work them out isn't so strange after all. After this, you might just be getting more letters from me from now on.
Love, Sam
© July 9, 2001 The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.