November 1, 2002
SGC Briefing Room
"Well, Colonel? What do you have to say for yourself?"
Jack winced. Sure, he'd had lots of hangovers. And angry CO's were nothing new, it certainly wouldn't be his first reprimand. But he'd never been quite this hung over during a reprimand; and General Hammond had never been quite this angry at him. And while misery may love company, Jack didn't think his company was going to reduce his misery any. He'd consider himself lucky if he walked out of this meeting a Major. Still, it was worth it.
"Uh, sir, I can explain."
"I sincerely doubt that. But I'd love to hear you try."
"Well, you see, General...." Oh, how he wished he could grab for a few more aspirin, but this was not the time for casual. He looked to Sam for support; she pressed her lips together tightly and refused to meet his eyes. Right. He was on his own. "Teal'c saw a commercial for 'the happiest place on earth' and Daniel promised to take him there. Then Bra'tac heard about it and said he wanted to come along, so I thought..."
"You thought? Somehow, Colonel O'Neill, I find it hard to believe you *thought* at all."
"Of course I did, General. I was sure you'd be okay with it and..."
"If you were so sure it was okay, why didn't Master Bra'tac come through the gate for an authorized visit?"
"Uh, that would be my fault." Selmac didn't have to wait to speak until spoken to -- her host's USAF rank was equal to Hammond's, and she was an honored alien ally. "Samantha, Jacob and I were on our way to San Diego to see Mark, and I offered Master Bra'tac a ride since we'd be right there in the neighborhood anyway...."
"In the neighborhood?" Hammond was incredulous.
"Well, sure," said Jacob. "A hundred miles isn't so out of the way. The distances I've become used to, it's..."
"Nice try, don't think you're getting off the hook that easy. I'll get back to you in a minute. Dr. Jackson, do you have anything to add?"
The glowy energy being dropped from ceiling height to eye level, brightened somewhat, flapped a couple of tentacles, and gestured wildly.
"Don't give me that, young man. I know you're fully capable of speech."
The floaty cloud expanded and solidified, taking Daniel's human form. "Uh, well, General, it was in the nature of a cultural exchange. Several SGC allies have expressed a desire to participate in Tau'ri ritual, and this did seem to be an occasion where their appearance would not cause alarm..."
"Not cause alarm!? Teal'c let Junior poke his head out in front of a roomful of children!"
Teal'c bowed his head. "I humbly apologize, and beg your forgiveness."
Bra'tac stood next to Teal'c, and took a similarly penitent posture. "As do I, Hammond of Texas. We will accept any discipline you deem appropriate."
"Not just children, George," Jacob felt obliged to point out. "They were Navy dependents, a whole busload of them, and they thought he was delightful. Teal'c won fourth prize."
"Fourth prize?"
"Yes, sir." Daniel leaned forward and gracefully waved a hand. "We were going to be at Disneyland anyway, and Pendleton's just right down the freeway, so when Lou, I mean Col. Ferretti, told us about the inter-service Halloween party and costume contest it seemed like a perfect solution. The Air Force swept the awards, sir, you'd have been proud."
"Proud is not the word I'd use."
"I know we should have told you," said Jacob. "But..." he dipped his head and his eyes flashed. "I won third place!" squealed Selmac. "The High Council will be most gratified." He dipped his head again, and his eyes and voice returned to human-normal. "What can I say, George?" Jacob shook his head slowly, shrugged and spread his his hands. "Selmac says she hasn't had this much fun in more than 300 years."
It took every bit of military discipline Hammond could muster to maintain the scowl on his face. "Dare I ask about the other prizes?"
Daniel's glow brightened. "I took second. It's been so long since I've won anything.... General, if there's any way you can forgive us, everybody there really did believe it was all special effects. The base techies went nuts trying to figure out how we did it. And I've left my red ribbon pinned up in Janet's office; I think the entire SGC should share in it." His corona rippled. "I also submit myself for whatever punishment you deem fitting."
"The honor of the service, George!" Jacob stood at parade rest. "Those squids and jarheads, there might have even been a few GI's, were nowhere near our league." He dipped his head again, and Selmac spoke. "We will also submit ourselves to your discipline, as part of the cultural exchange. Jacob tells me this is traditional for those who have broken protocol."
Hammond bit the inside of his cheek as he looked around the room. *I will not laugh. I will not laugh.* "So the blue would be Master Bra'tac?"
"Oh, no." Bra'tac shook his head sadly. "I regret to say I did not win a ribbon. I share my certificate of honorable mention with Ferretti of Oregon."
"Col. Ferretti?"
"Ra, sir." His shoulders slumped. "I dressed as Ra. O'Neill helped me with the clothes, Dr. Jackson did my makeup and .... and Master Bra'tac was my First Prime. I'm sorry, sir."
"Col. Ferretti! Whatever possessed you?"
"Recruiting, sir!" Ferretti squared his shoulders and faced straight ahead. "I know we took a rather unorthodox approach but, with all due respect, sir, this is an unorthodox command. And I scored enough marines for two combat squads -- all of them just back from Afghanistan, most of them did a year or more in Bosnia, several were in Somalia. I watched them train, they're impressive. I really think you'll be pleased with them; they transfer in this Friday."
"Friday? And the Corps has approved this already?"
"Yes, sir, the Commandant personally signed off on it. Apparently Major Davis instigated a wager amongst the joint chiefs and, well, General Jumper was the big winner. The other chiefs are reportedly somewhat.... irked... by our alleged use of ringers, but they're being good sports. The Navy is sending you four of their special SEAL jet-ski thingies and a mini-sub, and the Army's going to let us recruit Rangers. I believe the operation was successful. Nevertheless, I also anticipate punishment."
*I will not laugh I will not laugh I will not laugh.* General Hammond was finding it harder to convince himself, but still he held out. "Major Carter?"
"I didn't win a thing, sir."
*First time she ever had to say that* thought the General. "And your costume?"
"Nox, sir."
"I see. But if you.... then who won first prize?"
A blue light suffused a corner of the room; when it faded, a small gray figure had joined the assembly. "Greetings, General Hammond. Greetings, O'Neill. I apologize for the delay."
"Hey Thor. No problem." O'Neill waved at the new arrival. "General Hammond, you remember Thor."
"Of course" said the general. "Welcome to the SGC. What can we do for you?"
"I've come to convey my profound gratitude, and that of the entire Asgard High Council, for allowing me to participate in last night's ritual. Children are... very special to us. That you have such a celebration for their entertainment speaks well of your race. The silver cup will be exhibited prominently at the Museum of Primitives on the Asgard homeworld."
"Silver cup? Ah, the trophy. I take it, then, you were awarded first prize. Why does this not surprise me?"
"I share the prize with my dummy, Colonel O'Neill. He retains the blue ribbon."
"Your.... your...." Hammond's lip twitched; he really couldn't hold back for much longer.
"Ventriloquist act, sir. Unique to the Tau'ri culture, or so I'm told. I'm certain my punishment will be fair."
"Punishment, O'Neill?" Thor tilted his head. "For what are you being punished?"
"For planning last night without the knowledge of my commanding officer."
"I see. Then I must share in the punishment." He bowed to General Hammond. "As you see fit."
"Very well," said the general. "For our Earth-based miscreants, you'll spend the next three Sundays scrubbing the Stargate with your toothbrushes. Check with Sgt. Siler for your schedules. And for all of you, both Earth-based and off-world guests -- report to the mess hall at 0900 three weeks from Thursday. You're on turkey duty. Dismissed."
As the assemblage walked / glided / floated out of the briefing room, the humans all spoke at once.
"Yes Sir." "Thank you Sir" "Most fair, General." "As we deserve." "Good one George."
"What is turkey duty, Dr. Jackson?"
"It's another Tau'ri ritual, very cultural" he told Thor. "You'll like it. Just don't let Jack talk you into watching football."
General Hammond closed the door just in time; no one was present to witness him laughing until tears ran down his face. When he was finally able to compose himself, he picked up the phone and dialed a familiar number.
"Good afternoon, Major Davis. Please tell the chief it worked like a charm. And if you don't have plans, the SGC would like to invite you both to Thanksgiving Dinner."
DISCLAIMER: August 21, 2002 The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.